I really have these moments wherein I wouls start to rack my brain out because of my love and relationship musings. This is usually brought upon by the music that I'm listening to. I'm currently listening to Best Coast songs. Yes, gotta love the needy, whiney, and desperate vibe of these songs.
I'm going to tell you a secret. I can't wait to find a person who would enter in a relationship with me and then we would have these crazy adventures. I really can't wait. Although, I'm just really looking at the bright and sunny side of relationships. I know there are ship wreck moments wherein one feels like going through another grueling day with that person is worse than having to hold your pee when you're stuck in traffic. Le sigh. I'm just really waiting for the battery of mah ipad to be reduced into around 10%... It's currently at 27% What else? Hmm, how about taking chances/ opportunities/ risks? I think those are pretty much what builds up courage. Best Coast's song called "Our Deal" is playing that's why I suddenly had the urge to think about this topic. There's a line here that goes: I wish you would tell me how you really feel, but you'll never tell me cause that's not our deal. It's a really nice line, don't you think? And it's very much applicable to some people, I guess. I wonder if there's a person out there who has never revealed any feelings for me. No one has actually revealed their feelings for me. Ha-ha-ha. I tell you, I'm such a loser once it comes to the realm of love. By good golly g. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I think I'm too intense of a person. Like really over flowing with so much cool vibes that it makes other people have a hard time to catch up and actually be with me. Ah well, love me for me as I say to other people. The woooorldddd is laaaaaaazy but yoou and meeeeeeee, we're just craaaaazyyyy. So when I'm with yoooou, I have fuuuuuun. Yeah when I'm with yooou I have fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Love that slow and dragging, and sometimes annoying, intro to When I'm with You.
So basically I am an awesome person and I have not met any guy out there who is as awesome as I am. I just really want a best friend who shares the same likes as I am. Specifically the music sense and a bit of the photography, wanderer spirit in me. I can be quite lost sometimes. This feeling of being lost I find it really peaceful and humbling. I really enjoy being with myself, you see. I don't mind walking around the mall and the streets by myself. I find it very relaxing and recreational. I don't mind it at all. It's a very liberating and welcoming feeling for me. I am a very simple girl who has a big imagination for things and I really have this outstanding pair of eyes that really sees the world in a different perspective. I appreciate the beauty in everything- no matter how big, small, or spectacular one thing is, there is sure to beauty there. That's probably one of the reasons as to why I immerse myself into photography. I get to share to others my views of this beautiful world we live in. Sometimes, it just takes appreciation and a different angle in order to see the beauty of things. So yeah. I'm good now.
Finally found some time to be by myself! Well we'll be leaving soon in like 10 minutes or so but I just want to jolt down some of my thoughts. I really nice to be reflective at times :-)
So yesterday and the day before that was dedicated to block bonding. This semester really tightened my bond with them. I guess this started during the summer class cause Don wasn't there and I don't know... I didn't have anyone else to go with but them. Hence, I only managed to appreciate and really get to know all of them at that time and this semester. So this semester has really taught me a lot. It was actually one of the best I've ever had. Academics-wise I didn't really do well this semester. I was such a lazy fuck at the start and I really do feel the regret now but what else can I do? I did my very best at the end and I really tried to get high scores, hopefully it will neutralize those low scores during the beginning of the semester. Social-wise, I probably bloomed? I don't know, haha! Cause I became more close with my block mates. Like really tight family/ kabarkada type. It's a great and comforting feeling actually. Plus, this time around I can really be myself around with my close friends in the block (Diane, Alessi and Kath).
I'll post this first and edit it again later. We'll be leaving now :-) I feel so fresh, haha. My mind is in a state of eternal bliss. I don't know why. I just feel like it's just swimming in thoughts.
Hello, dear virtual invisible friends! I have finally emerged from the dark waters of academic stress under the umbrella of what is called the first semester of second year! I have emerged victoriou (well, I hope I am). Hence, I am pretty pumped up and happy right nooow! It feels so great to be done and over with org chem, theo 121, bio 100, and all the other intense shit that I went through this semester. Hopefully, I have acquired a grade higher than a line of 2 in my org chem finals in order to be able to get myself a D. Of course being the "achiever" that I am, I do not want to settle for a mere D, I want and need a C. I am praying that my exam mark reached at least a 70! Yes, I know. These are such shallow wants and expectations but what can I do. I fucked up my chance of getting a good graade in org chem. I only exerted real effort and time for the subject during the last few weeks of school (probably the last two.... I am not so sure). Anyway, I am really hoping that I passed that subject already- it was one heck of a roller coaster ride and if I didn't do so. Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw and then I might just go kill myself. So a new semester again within the span of a little over two weeks. F you suspensions, you make the sem break shorter! :( What I'm looking forward to right now is just being able to go all out happiness and joy for the next two days with my block mates and mind you, I have not asked permission for any of that shit yet. I am going to be so toast but please, I hope my mom will allow me because I really exerted effort in all my studying during the finals week and the two or one week prior to this (finals week time right now). Promise, I have never read and crammed for my life as crazy as to what I did. Hence, it feels very rewarding and awesome to be able to go past through all of that. I really want to be able to go to EK. Like, I don't care who the people I'll be with. I just want to be able to scream my stress out (well, whatever's left of it. the pent up after academic stress!) I looovve it! I really am hoping that I can go and I have a great feeling in me that she will indeed allow me to go.
Okay, so today I had my theology finals. It went okay, I guess. I didn't die as much as compared to the similar test that she gave us during the midterms week. And you know, maybe it really depends on one's preparation. For this test, despite cramming the living daylights out of this one, I was able to grasp more of the concepts and feel a faint vibe of preparedness. I am happy and satisfied. After that I sorta crammed/ studied/ staring contest with my iPad containing all the his to notes. Fuck, the his to finals was fine to say the least. It's just that during the matching type, I did not know any shit that went down. I do not know very well what went down during the southeast asia regions, hehe. After that Diane, Alessi, Kath and I went to Alessi's house and chilled there. I guess, we just really didn't want to go home yet. Alessi prepared the cake for Jhalec's surprise tomorrow. OH speaking of that, I have to prepare and fix out my stuff! I have to! I am going to find my nerf gun Be ready, bitches :-) Okaaay, what else? Father came home today from the U S of A! He's like Santa Claus bearing so much goodies for each and everyone of us here. He got my my freaking CIRCUS ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!! I have been wanting those for YEARS now. Finally, papsi brought home like two bags of pure lovely frosted animal crackers. Other than that, he gave me a new iPad 2! I can be all techie and shit with the wireless keyboard that goes along with it. ALSO, he did not disappoint my wish of finding a Goodie spin pin! :-) I love my dad so much. He is such an angel and darling. I don't know what I'd do without him!
Thank you for today and the semester that was. I don't regret doing anything. By far, this has been one of the best semesters that I've had in college. So many fun things happened and shit. SO MANY HAPPY THINGS with block mates. I actually love and appreciate them now. :) Write to you soon! TTYL.
Sun, Jul. 31st, 2011, 11:59 pm
You can do this. You are capable of everything and anything that you want and will to be. You are brilliant in every way. Do not feel weary and distress. You are perfect in every single way. Just BELIEVE.
Sun, Jul. 31st, 2011, 11:51 pm
I want a tattoo.
No, it's not an act of vengeful rebellion towards something. It's not a symbolism of everything that could be possibly wrong and inhumane in this world. It's for a personal reminder to myself.
Here comes the feelings you though you've forgotten- the feelings of dullness and indifference. More so, the feelings of being tired and uninspired. Lately, I've been having a ridiculously hard time to find productivity and meaning to all my academic doings. I don't want to give up on my course. It's just really a struggle to stay focused in this sea of scientific terms and intelligence. I'm not giving up though. I know, I'll be able to overcome this and feel that feeling of infinity. I still dream and long for that feeling. Ever since I've read perks of being a wallflower, I've always wondered how they felt. That beautiful word of "infinite". The closest is probably the feeling that I got when I was running along the oval on full speed with Young Blood blaring into my ears. It was magical. I know I can overcome this feeling. Hopefully this is just an annoying stage in my life right now. In connection to the tattoo wanting, I want to have a little infinity sign inked onto my wrist area. Just a little one. It will serve as a little reminder for me to strive everyday and to look for that feeling of infinity. It's out there and I know I'll find it someday. Another tattoo I'd want to have is to have a scripted version of the word "wanderlust" inked onto the skin found below my right breast. Wanderlust such a beautiful word. It's right up there with wonderstruck. I want to remind myself to continuously have this spirit of an adventurer. Don't let the hurdles of life bring you down. Find the courage to pursue these and carry on with your journey, Nica. You can do this. You can make this work. Most importantly, you will prevail with such brilliance. I know you can.
Sun, Jul. 24th, 2011, 12:45 am
I haven't been able to update this ever since summertime ended. How nice. Well, I've been living out my stressed out student life. It has only been over a month since school started and work just keeps coming (teehee). It's all good though cause I've been managing in a way. (I did fail my bio long test and prolly my org chem as well...) I know I can do better next time. I know I can and I will. So right now I'm just a big blob of emotions. It's one of those sentimental and quiet nights that sends me into a pool of curious thoughts. I don't know what to feel lately. I don't know if I am really growing up to be apathetic or just weak... I hope it isn't the latter part though. The weak part probably emerges from the lack of courage I've been having lately. I can't find te courage to talk to my mom like per say asking permission. I know it's petty and pathetic but it's just that I don't want to be shouted at anymore. It gets tiring. I know she'll be wondering as to why I'll be putting on such a face in front of her- well, it just to mask the fear and hurt that I feel whenever she releases her anger/ shouts at me. It may just be words of concern but it really comes out as shouts to me. So the more shouts she does the more scared I am to actually attempt to ask permission to her again. I am sad to say that there's an emotional scar there now and I know she doesn't even feel or know this. I love you, Ma. You and Pa are at the top of my priorities. I wouldn't change you guys for anything or anyone...
To me, there is nothing more enchanting and encapsulating other than music. I cannot express the utter joy that it brings to me whenever I put on my headphones and just get blasted away. I do not think I can survive in a world wherein there would be no music. That's crazy and suicidal. Nothing can describe that feeling of euphoria once you've found this piece of music that just captivates your senses. Along with the great happiness that music has provided for me, there has always been a musical hero/ inspiration that pushes me to not only find the beauty in music but more so, live my life to the fullest. As cheesy as that last part of my previous sentence is, it is true. This person is no other than Andrew McMahon. If you don't know his story then let me give you a brief walkthrough on it. He is a leukemia cancer survivor. He fought leukemia when he was releasing his debut album of his side-project called Jack's Mannequin. (He was/is [formerly] part of the band called Something Corporate/ SoCo) He won against his fight against this cancer and is currently pursuing his musical career. There's actually a documentary about his whole cancer fight called "Dear Jack". It's a VERY inspiring and heart-warming, not to mention tear inducing at times, documentary about his journey when he had cancer. This man is nothing but inspiration. His songs, his chords, his lyrics, his everything. His songs all show the rawness of his emotions. Delicate is a word to describe his lyrical writing. This man has changed my life. Mor so my views on it actually. He inspired me to carry on and to live amidst the joy and pain. JUST LIVE. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.
Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive. Beautiful isn't it?
Sat, Jul. 2nd, 2011, 05:01 pm
"I am MORE"
For the longest time (ever since I stepped into college territory) I have NEVER understood what my course meant whenever they proclaimed that: "We're MORE". MORE? What makes HSc different from the other pre-med courses out there? What other edge do we have that the others do not have? I treated this phrase of being "more" as a commercial means of the course in being able to attract students into the program. I never fully understood the essence of what the more means until today's NSTP orientation talk.
I actually appreciated that Doc Sio took some time to really dwell deep into his talk awhile ago. He asked us if we are still up to challenges and perils that come along with being a HSc major. So what does being more mean for a HSc major? We are more in a sense that we go beyond what traditional pre-med courses have to offer. Not only do we attribute brain killing academics into the program, we also have the application essence as well. By application, I mean it in a manner that is done through SERVICE. Doc Sio put much emphasis on the program redefining the actual meaning of service. The service that HSc offeres is that of immediate and concretized plans. It is not the type that only lingers there for emphatic reasons. Actual action takes place and students are immersed into various communal services all throughout their stay in the course. As a HSc major, not only am I equipped with scientific knowledge about the world nor am I well versed in the basic fields of management, I am also an enforcer of actual and immediate change.
Guess who wants to be a doctor now?
How miserable. Today's Sunday and the first day of classes will be on in a few hours from now. So, this summer what have I achieved. Let's see...
- Well, I learned that if you're really not inspired to study (lacking in much needed motivation and determination) it becomes such a chore and drag. [i.e. my summer classes with an exception to my phenomenal cramming skills in Psychology]
- Gym made me realize that, after awhile, things get better, you become stronger and gain control. I've always dreaded running. Running in general. Running in the oval, TREADMILL, around the campus- basically running. I disliked it so much because I could never be "good" at it. Good in terms of being able to last long enough for my liking. I always end up too tired. My heart feels as if it will explode out of my chest the moment I stop running and take a breather. But since my friends and I have been jogging/ going to the gym for quite a number of times this summer, I've developed a stamina. Yes, I won't say better because I'm pretty sure it's still a petty one as compared to others. I'm happy though. I've learned to not only like it but love it. I loved the feeling when I was sprinting my way through the oval without feeling any heaviness in my chest and breathing. I felt so powerful and liberated. Of course, it came to some closure because I started feeling tired already. This means that I'll try jogging around the oval during my spare time. Just jogging around some good 20-30 mins. I'll really try to take care of my body. I don't want to go back to being such a lazy ass and consume a whole pack of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles whenever I'm bored. [Sounds very tempting though].
- Cooking is not too much of a daunting task. Ever since my parents left the house to both my brother and I for a few weeks, I've learned to cook my own breakfast, snacks, lunch, midnight snack, etc. Of course the things that I whipped out weren't extravagant or anything. It's just nice to be able to make up something without the help of my mom. I feel like a golden star of independence was added along to my name in that cork board of achievements.
- Friends will always be there for you. I guess one positive thing about college is that not only does liberation takes form in yourself, but also in your friends. What I mean is that the group of friends that you had ever since forevz will be growing along with you. You'll be more game about exploring the city and its different places, doing various things that you guys have never done before. Liberation in its baby step ways. It's also comforting that I can just call them up and they'll be there to make my day better.
- No matter what happens, the parents will always be the boss. Yeah, it gets really really and utterly annoying as to how much more strict and confining my mom got as I entered into college. Seriously. How will I learn to be independent and prepared for the real world with all these restrictions? I'm not even sure if it's a lack of trust issue. I really do not know as to what I'm doing or what I'm lacking that makes my mom feel this way. I'm not even sure as to how my dad feels. I don't think he's the type like my mom. He seems like he's game about the exploration on your own unlike my mom. Sometimes, it's really restricting and gives off a similar effect as to choking my own throat. I just hope that my mom would just just just trust me enough to know that she HAS raised me well. I know that she knows that I won't do those stupid things. Do I like I'm capable of doing those? Am I wild? Am I slut? The last thing that I want to do to my parents is let them down. Disappointment is the top failure that I don't want my parents to experience. Ever. I'm so grateful and thankful for everything that they've done, provided and given, why would I throw those all away? I just want a little more freedom and trust, Ma.
Dear Summer 2011, you've been quite a roller coaster ride of all things unknown and fabulous. Thank you for everything. See you again after months of academic and stress related roller coasters. I'll miss you terribly. Hopefully, I won't be a fat ass once I write "It's summer timeeee, beeches!" in the months to come.
Sat, Jun. 4th, 2011, 12:41 am
Today I enlisted in some of my classes for the upcoming semester in college. Man, college is so fast paced it's quite crazy sometimes. I got my final sched for the semester and all I can say is that I need all the luck and prayers for this semester. I have two science subjects- Org Chem and Biology. That means 8 hours of lab work per freakin' week. To top that beautiful banana split off, I have NSTP every Saturday as well. Our NSTP place's an hour ride away from ateneo. Gosh, just think of the pressure and stress that I'll be going through to finish my lab reports and prelabs on time! I just learned from our previous chem prof that our lab prof last semester won't be the one administering our class despite it being said so on AISIS. This is so sad because that prof grades lab reports fairly high and he isn't too keen on the attendance as well. Our lab's still at 7:30 every monday. I hope he'll still be our prof. Even if he is tad bit crazy at times. Like crazy lectures and crazy crazy fucking crazy lab exams.
My day went by slowly. I feel like such a sloth. I wasn't able to workout today. Ergh, I have to do so in order to get a thin body at the start of the semester. AS THIN AS POSSIBLE. I really really need to be at the thinnest state ever because because I know that I'll be stress eating and shit. Plus, I won't be able to squeeze in gym time or maybe some oval running I prolly can. I'm off every Tuesday @ 10/10:30. Life is good.
I just want to rant a little. You know that feeling whenever you let someone down. Yeah, I totally feel it right now. I won't be able to attend Fra's recital because we have this family reunion/ dinner thing later at night. Her recital's at night pa naman. I hope she'll be able to forgive me. Even though I wasn't able to ask permission, I hope she understands that I don't want to induce anger from my mother right now. They just got back from Beijing so they still have this mindset that my brother and I went out as much as we fucking can when they were gone. Think not, parents. We stayed at home most of the time. I was just out for some gym time. That's all. I just wanted to use up as much as the I can for the remaining days that I had left for month 2. I hope she's not mad at me. Dammit, I hate letting people down. Which brings me back to Coco. I think she has lost most of her hope in becoming an Atenean. She texted me something along the lines of "we'll never be schoolmates". Gosh, my heart broke again. This girl really deserves a slot in this school. She deserves it more that anyone else. I wish I was able to help out by writing a letter of appeal for her. It was the least that I could do. I know nalang, I'll write her this little letter. A little letter of encouragement. I know Coco can be whoever she wants to be. She just needs to believe in herself and her capabilities. I am going to write a letter for her. She should wait and see.